19. Coming Home with a Lame Accent

I’m happy for you that you had a good time in Australia, but do you really have to ask me “How are you going, mate?” every time you see me now? I respond better to variations of  “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” or even “How are you doing, bro/buddy/friend?”

It’s not “no worries,” it’s no problem. And when you say thank you or you’re welcome, just say it. None of this “cheers” stuff. “Cheers mate,” is even worse.

You’re not Australian. It’s not cute. You sound ridiculous.

You’re not English either, even though you did a semester abroad in Leeds. Quit calling your apartment your “flat,” your roommates “flatmates,” dudes “blokes,” and trying to use some semblance of Cockney slang. You don’t sound cool like The Streets or the guys on Lock Stock.

It’s cool or awesome, not “brilliant!!” That chick is ugly, not “mingin.” And when you get takeout it’s takeout. Quit calling it “takeaway,” you pretentious prick.

It’s just because  it’s English that people think they can get away with it. You don’t see people coming back from internships in South America or France and carelessly speaking to their friends back home in Spanish or French.  There’s a reason for that. If they did, people would just stare at them blankly like they’re some kind of freak, and rightfully so.

People who drove overseas on the left side of the road for an extended period of time don’t come home and unintentionally veer into oncoming traffic. Please refrain from pulling a linguistic James Bond behind the wheel with me.

You’re from here. Cut the crap. You’re not a charming alien. It’s OK. Tell us the stories, show us the photos, but please leave the accent where you found it. It belongs to actual charming aliens.

You’re not “taking the piss out of” me, you’re making fun of/mocking/fucking with me.

Also, don’t beenou to us whimsically about places we’ve never heard of or stores we’ve never shopped in in foreign countries we’ve never visited. We don’t give a shit (see 4. Nobody Gives a S#%&). All of these things require explanations. Tell me “Boots” is like “Shoppers Drug Mart” or “Walgreens” before you carry on with some banal anecdote, complete with senseless tangents, about a typical day for you in England.

Share Button

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 Responses to “19. Coming Home with a Lame Accent”

  1. joem says:

    that’s fully heaps sick maggot matey! quit bein a gimp and chuck us a durry. throw us a grog while yer at it ey? grab us some brekkie, i’ve gotta spread wex on my board this arvo, but.

  2. Poon says:

    “Heaps cool!” Hahaha, that’s totally another one people bring home, Joem. Good call.

  3. JP says:

    Jajaja, thanks for the laughs Poon!!
    The same thing happens here in Chile, guys that spend some time abroad and suddenly forgot how to speak spanish (chilean)… even if they go to Argentina!!

  4. Dascrow says:

    Ya mon, totally irie!

  5. okaaay then says:

    Does everyone of your posts require a ‘beenou’ use? pot. kettle. black.

Leave a Reply

Please type the characters of this captcha image in the input box

Please type the characters of this captcha image in the input box