1. Aussie Guys

pamplonaAnybody who’s ever been to San Fermin in Pamplona knows what I’m talking about: Most people are hung over from all-night partying and nauseous from the stench of leather-winebag-induced vomit and urine filling the narrow cobblestone streets. Yet these perpetually sunburnt ruffians are still drinking at 6 a.m. when the wooden retaining fences swing open. Those who slept slept poorly, cold and in the streets for chrissakes.

The Aussies are already rowdy as hell. They’re chanting, slapping each other across the face, wrestling, laughing hysterically – getting pumped up. One Aussie is literally climbing up the wall as we wait for the bulls to be released. His buddy is spraying beer into the crowd. It’s six in the morning. We, the foreigners, the parasites (à la Robert Carlyle in The Beach), have been flocking to this quaint, Basque, mountain town for decades to experience an event Hemingway beenoued* so eloquently about. The Aussies are reminding the locals and staunch traditionalists what a sham it’s become. Aussie guys are backpacking culture cranked up to Volume 10.

The gunshots fire and chaos ensues as the bulls and people run through the town to the bullfighting arena.

Once the bulls have crossed the arena and are locked in their pens, the excitement subsides. But the capacity crowd wants blood. So the event organizers release smaller bulls into the huddled mass of dazed bullrunners. The crowd is delighted as the little bulls run amok and disperse the frightened men, many of whom climb over the guardrail and out of harm’s way. But the Aussies are wily and unafraid. One of them grabs a little bull by the horns and wrestles it down to the ground. Another Aussie gets a hold of a bull’s tail, then its hindquarters and climbs on for a few thrilling seconds. Meanwhile, the locals in the stands are jeering and whistling (Spanish for booing) their disapproval. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about.

Remember the World Cup 2002 Beckham faux-hawk? You know the haircut. Everybody outside of North America was rocking it. (Canadian guys weren’t cuz it was gay and jived with neither hockey nor Mountain Equipment Co-op. American guys didn’t cuz they’re style oblivious and rocked faux-worn-in Abercrombie hats instead. Mexicans like soccer enough to but prefer to slick it all back.) Swedish guys enjoyed the haircut, but not as much as the Aussies. THEY ALL HAD IT. Perhaps it’s a testament to how trendy Aussies are (think trucker hats during the Kutcher/Pharrell era), but seriously, they are still rocking the haircut to this day. Seven years later, they just turned it into a mullet.

Speaking of mullets, Aussie Rules Football is rife with them.

aussie-rulesAussie guys steal all the broads. It’s not hard to figure out. Their accent is pretty money. I can admit that. For the most part, they’re ripped, largely due to knowing how to surf and excelling at summer sports, much to the chagrin of other backpacking males. They’re a nation of X-Gamers. They’re fearless and cheesy. Chicks dig fearlessness and cheese. Canadian guys are particularly prone to hating Aussies since, given their propensity for board sports and presumably cool personae, Aussies regularly invade the Canadian slopes to snowboard and bed local girls – enjoying much success in both pursuits.

I have no reason to dislike Australia, save for a few racial issues I’ve heard about but never witnessed. Vegemite is disgusting. I know that much. I don’t mind the taste of a fried egg on a burger, but it’s still weird. You produce damn good Hollywood actors and actresses and your endemic wildlife is neat. But please Australia, please. Tell your backpacking male travelers to calm the F down. And don’t even get me started on Crazy Israelis.

*Beenou (verb, onomatopoeia): To toot one’s own horn. To boast, brag or draw attention to one’s own superiority. A common flaw among backpackers. Can be done both explicitly (e.g. blatant beenouing: “I am awesome at Ultimate.”) and implicitly (e.g. back-handed beenouing or fishing for compliments: “Have you seen me throw a Frisbee?”). Can also function as a noun (e.g. “This blog is a huge beenou.”) Origin: Mimicry of jazz trumpet sounds, scat singing.

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12 Responses to “1. Aussie Guys”

  1. mike says:

    Yeah, I’ve definitely been an aussie-hater a few times. The first time was in Banff, where the cheap hostel I was at was loaded with ’em, and they were pretty wild, but not really friendly. I was probably just jealous of the good time they were having. The other time was in Bangkok at a nightclub where one bumped into my table walking by with two Thai girls, knocked the whiskey bottle to the floor, turned around, and instead of apologizing, gave me a “What?!” with attitude. I cuffed him upside the head, his girls tried to stop him, I took off my shirt (cuz I’ve got a lot of class), the Thai security put me in a choke hold from behind, so I calmed down and went outside. Rather than fight me though, his friend and him went to a taxi and bad mouthed Canadians. Then, just in general, I’ve found them to be pretty cocky, especially in Thailand. But like I said earlier, I might’ve just been jealous they’re much better than me at having a fun time.

  2. Duke says:

    Aussies…drink as if it was their last drink…don’t be surprised to see them with a beer in their hands non-stop. But drinking isn’t their problem…it’s how F’in rowdy, belligerent and violent MOST, as I’ve met really nice ones, they become when they drink. But this goes for UK men as well. Why can’t they drink like the Irish, which I am not, and just have a great time? It’s sad but this is no stereotype…I’ve been backpacking for 7 months now across three continents so far and they are very consistent.

  3. ft says:

    Ah pamplona 2002. You forgot to mention the guy that jumped from the balcony on the plaza. Guarantee he was Aussie.

  4. Anonymous says:

    My god sir! This blog is amazing 🙂

  5. London Troof says:

    No one can drink loike the English koind sir, and no one can foight quoite loike the English either.

    And the New Zealanders have to be the biggest, self hating, self entitled nationalistic douchebag travellers on this God’s Earth.

    AND THAT’S THE TROOF

  6. alart says:

    man, you rock)

  7. lavidaloca says:

    aussies & israelis need to DIE.

  8. Dan says:

    haha, im glad i happened upon this blog prior to my trip to europe. glad to have an idea of whats not great. Turns out at the top of the list is my own kind, the aussie guy. and i’m sure im in at least somewhat what you have described though ive met the kind i think your really speaking of and to be honest there the same here and i’d have to say the just as big douches.

    cheers,
    dan.

  9. embarassed says:

    I am an Australian male backpacker, and have to agree with your observations. Most groups of Aussie men in backpacker hotspots are rowdy mindless dicks. But we’re nothing compared to the Israelis.

  10. problem? says:

    u mad?

  11. The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you werent too busy looking for attention.

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